the days of nothing

It's been over a week since the big news and Mama keeps saying under her breath..."nothing."  Mama says that she feels just fine, and that seems strange.  She rechecks that stick she keeps in her sock drawer and the blue plus sign is always there still.  She says she just has to be sure I'm really coming because it doesn't quite feel real.  Mama has been feeling tired and a little sore, but mostly she says it feels like any other days.  She says it's hard to believe that I am growing inside of her.  She says she should probably stop complaining because the sickness will be here soon enough.   She says she misses drinking coffee a lot.

Today Mama is sneezing and feeling very cold and drinking lots of tea, but she says that is not because of me...she says it's Daddy's fault because he kissed her when he was sick.  Daddy was trying to be nice but that turned out not very nice.

Today I'm 5 weeks and 4 days old, if Mama's counting is right.  I am the size of an orange seed.  I have a very tiny and basic heart, a tail, and I'm working on growing a spinal cord.  Mama told me I'm very cute but then she looked at some pictures of me.  Well, I WILL be cute eventually she says.

Telling Daddy about me made Mama very nervous, but he was very happy and very surprised.  It was a perfect way to feel together on Valentine's Day.  Mama gave Daddy his favorite 6 pack to celebrate, because that's what my Great Grandpa Bob did when he found out he was going to be a Daddy to my Nana Pat.  I don't know what a 6 pack is but Mama says its just for daddies.

In two weeks we will go to meet our doctor for the first time.  Mama says there will be lots of tests but not to be scared.  I think Mama is a little scared too.  Maybe then it will feel real.

I think it will be forever before I am grown enough to come out of Mama and see the world.  I'm not sure I can wait for forever.  Mama says that waiting is important.  She says it's something that keeps our feet in the right place when we would have done something too fast or too silly or too temporary.  Waiting is what lets God do what he plans for us rather than something that would just turn into nothing.  I think sometimes waiting feels like nothing too, but Mama says it will be worth it.

Outside there is snow on the mountains today, and every branch is covered and looks dead, but Mama says there is still life in those trees.  And even though no one knows it yet, there is new life in her and in Daddy now too.  Sometimes it takes waiting and quiet and winter to grow something completely new.  Sometimes a miracle starts in nothing, and waits till it is ripe and ready.

Today we are listening to:
The Weepies--Stars

the day we started

Mama says that Friday the 13th has always been special.  Some people get afraid of bad luck that day, but Mama was born on a Friday the 13th.  And then a long time later, Daddy got down on one knee on a Friday the 13th, and Mama says that was one of the best days.  Yesterday was a Friday the 13th too, and Mama says she knew I was coming.  She saw a few signs that made her wonder, but mostly she says she just "had a feeling." I don't know what feelings are, exactly, but sometimes I think Mama doesn't either.  This morning she had to double check, just to be sure.  That's when we first started talking.

Today is Valentines day and we get to tell Daddy the big news! Mama found a tiny card with hearts on it for me to give to Daddy. I hope he is excited and not scared.  I hope he loves me.

Mama says that a whole lot of people are going to want to listen to me, even though I won't be able to talk for a couple of years.  I don't know if she really thinks that or if she just wants to listen.  I also don't know what "Illinois" is, but she says its an important place.  I'm going to grow and change every day, she says, and there are a lot of stories to tell. We have to get to know each other, and we have to learn how to grow together.  Mama says the world is very big, and there are so many things to see, but she is glad I'm very small.  Small hearts can see and understand important things, she says, and big hearts need to hear them.  So I guess that is what we will talk about.

Mama and I love music too, so we might share our favorites with you, because that's what troubadours do. Mama says I have to love music, so I do.  I don't know what it is yet...but I love it.

I'm 4 weeks and 3 days old today, and I'm the size of a poppy seed.  I don't know what that means, but Mama says its very teeny tiny.  Mama says I'll be born in the fall.  She loves the fall, and she says I will too.

Today we are listening to: 

Jack Johnson, We're Gonna Be Friends